15 de abril de 2019

Notre-Dame, la montaña. Un momento, ¿qué?

Tras salir de mi trabajo, pasé a un local de Castaño para comprar pan. Mientras esperaba mi turno de pagar, un par de tipas detrás de mí en la cola se lamentaban por el incendio que la Catedral de Notre-Dame había sufrido. Una de ellas expresó el calibre de la pérdida exclamando "¡Imagínate... era uno de los picos más altos de Europa!".

 La catedral de Notre-Dame... un alto pico.

 Una cosa es confundir nombres similares de países cercanos ("Suecia" y "Suiza"); otra, confundir términos relacionados ("tiempo" y "clima")... y aun otra es confundir catedrales con montañas.

 ¡¿Pero qué chucha?! ¿Acaso le meten algo al agua para atontarnos a todos?

2 de abril de 2019

WHY don't we go back to Earth? I'll tell you why we don't go back to Earth!

Imagine you were off-planet, as a member of a crew doing scheduled work on an asteroid. Imagine something happened while you were away and came back to discover everyone had died for no apparent reason. Imagine every individual in every species close to yours, like chimpanzees, gorillas and orangutans, had been wiped out as well. Imagine the only surviving primates were marmosets, capuchins, howlers and a few other small monkeys. Imagine a few among you were brave enough and descended to attempt to figure out what had happened. Imagine they all died within minutes of landing.

We had no choice but to flee back to the asteroid and freeze ourselves there for a time, to allow the plague, or whatever it was, to pass and let life move on; we expected to return to find a new intelligent species that had arisen from any of our surviving little cousins; we expected to meet them as brothers, or at the very least to guide them into forming a new advanced civilization, like ours was.

What have we found instead? The world overrun by apes. Our little kin differentiated into dozens of species, each and every one of them a caricature of their ancestry, yet still sporting minuscule, degraded samples of the features that made US great; their limited muscle flexibility, poor skin changing ability, reduced intelligence, small number of tentacles, lackluster three hearts, absurdly short lifespans spent playing the role of small predators... all come off as an outright insult to what WE were.

It's clear Earth doesn't want us back, so we won't have anything to do with it, either.